Don't Bake Cookies & Other Ways to Avoid Being the Office Mom

We tend to be pretty gender neutral around here at CH Headquarters.  But today's post is really designed for our female hustlers.  

There's a curious thing that tends to happen to women in the workplace.  You come into a new job wanting to be liked by your colleagues and also wanting to generally be helpful and add value.  It starts with an innocuous request or two, then next thing you know, it's gotten away from you.  

You're the first person they call for help, but it's not the kind of help you want to give.  You want to give feedback on the important pitch or be part of the team solving the mission critical challenges.  But instead, you're the go to person for getting new toner in the copy machine.  Or handling the coffee order.  Or taking all the meeting notes, but never leading the meeting.  Or arranging all of the office birthday celebrations.  All of a sudden, you're the office mom - even if you don't have kids.

Yes, you want to be seen as a resource and generally helpful.  But if people are never asking for your help on issues that drive the actual work forward, you're being, or allowing yourself to be, played.  Again, this can happen to anyone, but typically happens to women the most.  

Stuck in this rut and desperately trying to get out?  Here are a few tools to have in your arsenal -

Stop Caretaking

If you're a naturally warm, nurturing type of person, you may have to make a conscious decision to reign in that aspect of your personality or risk being relegated to the office mom life forever.  These are your colleagues, not your kids.  Not your younger siblings.  Not your BFFs.  It's not your job to take care of them, so don't.

You may bake a mean peanut butter brownie, but don't bring in desserts for the team every week.  You may give amazing relationship advice, but don't let yourself be the dumping ground for everyone's dating woes.  Your coworkers should be thinking of you first when it comes to your area of professional expertise, not when they have a personal problem or a hankering for a treat.  

The sad truth is, the more your company or industry values typically masculine traits, the more this care taking is going to sideline your career.  Even worse, the more male-dominated your workplace is, the more these traits will actually undermine your standing and even have colleagues questioning your aspirations and intentions.  People will start to assume that what you'd really rather be doing is baking cookies and being a housewife than closing the big client deal.  

Resist the Urge to Volunteer

I once had a coworker who would privately complain and bitch to me about constantly being asked to do menial tasks.  And at first, I empathized with her because I knew she wanted to be taken more seriously.  Quickly, I realized that she was as much of a culprit as the people doing the asking.  When someone would have an issue not immediately related to her job - say a printer that wouldn't work, or wifi that wouldn't connect - she went above and beyond to figure it out, even on things that weren't her expertise.  

If this happens to you, measure your response.  You want to be generally helpful, but also clear that you're no better equipped to figure this out than the person asking.  Leave it at that and let them find the solution.  If it isn't your job to solve, stop trying to solve it.

"Hmm, you reinstalled the print driver and it's still not connecting?  That's the only thing I know how to do in this situation. Maybe you can try looking it up online or calling Sam from IT."

Play Up Your Limitations

Fun fact about me: I don't drink coffee.  At all.  

Why is this relevant?  Because I am never called on to make coffee and I would decline if I was.  I have never made one pot of coffee, don't know how the machines works, and honestly, don't even understand the lingo.  Starbucks orders are like another language to me.  So, if I was ever asked to get coffee for someone, you can absolutely believe that would be the first and last time. 

"You know what? I actually don't drink coffee so I have no idea how to make it.  You definitely don't want me to be the one getting yours."

You can adjust this to work with whatever you're being asked to do.  Get coffee. Plan the birthday celebration. Fix the wifi.  Be honest about what you're good at and also, what you're not.  

Share the Load

If you really can't refuse a request, agree but make sure that the burden is shared amongst the team, especially if it's likely to be a repeat request.

"Sure, I'll take notes this time and next time, Maddie can you do it?  I find it hard to think about possible game plans when I'm so focused on capturing all the key points.  I want to make sure I'm adding value to a regular team meetings."

Now, if it seems like I'm coaching you to be an asshole, that's exactly the opposite of what I'm advising.  Be generally helpful and pleasant but focus on going above and beyond in your area of expertise.  If a colleague asks me about a tech question, I'll answer to the best of my knowledge.  If they ask me anything about marketing, branding, or storytelling, I'll give them everything I have, think about their problem, and make additional suggestions later.  This is how you show people what you are a resource for and what your value really is.  

Subject matter expertise? Absolutely.  Getting coffee?  There's a Starbucks on every corner for that.